Fireside Tales Contest!
by MessengerOfDreams
Summary: THE RESULTS ARE FINALLY IN! And why the heck is its word count almost 7K? Feel free to sit back by the fire, relax with a cup of cocoa, and enjoy The True Fireside Tale behind the Fireside Tales.
1. The Bathroom, The Book!

**Details are at the bottom! For now, enjoy the show.**

It wasn't often Master Hand would find Crazy Hand's vault full of stolen coins. How Crazy must've come across them, he did not want to find out.

"...this is certainly a harbinger."

Surprised yet not at all that half of the coins were gone, Master Hand immediately resorted to a familiar plan**—** inspect the mansion, making sure everything still was attached to its foundations and that no room bore any weapons of mass destruction.

That wouldn't be a pleasant experience to go through again.

The first thing that Master Hand noticed is that he didn't remember ever getting a new fireplace for the bathroom. Snapping his fingers, it crackled with life in an instant. Maybe it was a good thing Crazy decided to get something nice for once.

He left the room and went to inspect the rest of the mansion before the Smashers could get hurt. The kitchen was next on his general emergency Crazy Disaster Relief plan.

By instinct, he opened the cupboards, expecting to find something wet or something chunky.

Inside were a couple of dynamites tied together in a velvet gift bow. Master Hand sighed, but honestly, he had expected worse. Of course, both sticks were already lit, so...

"Oh, Crazy, you fool."

He simply found it fit to float back to the dining room as a few cabinets absorbed the shock of the explosion and landed on the marble countertop.

In the hallways, he heard a shriek followed by dishes crashing from the room next door. What in the world was Crazy up to this time?

All that mattered was that nothing exploded.

Yet.

Except the dynamite, but that barely counted.

Heading back to the bathroom, Master Hand found his brother holding next to him shards of the kitchen cabinet that had just been blown up. But how... did he...

He'd never understand Crazy. Not that he'd want to.

"Hello, brother!" Crazy welcomed him warmly, the bathroom fireplace ablaze.

"Mmm, yes. Crazy?"

"Yesssssss?"

"Why is there a fireplace here?"

"I don't see anything wrong with it. Might as well roast some marshmallows while we're at it!"

Master Hand balled up into a fist, fingers drumming along his thumb.

"I can't believe we've never gotten a fireplace before! No wonder everyone always complains about the heating! Anyway, have you seen Pikachu anywhere? I was trying to get him—or is it a her? I didn't get to find out yet, but I was going to put Pikachu through a gender test. But what happened was he/she/it took one of the dynamites."

Master ignored the question and acted upon a troubling observation. "Please remove the fireworks from the vicinity of the fireplace."

"So what if the fireworks shouldn't be placed too close to the fire? It's not like it's gonna hurt anyone."

"Except a mansion with close to fifty of the world's most elite living beings."

"Yeah, yeah... but listen... can you just imagine it? The world most elite beings... killed by awry fireworks? What a great story, right? Huh? Tragedy and death and laughable conclusions to bring about the humor in it all! It'll be a hit!"

Master Hand was silent for a few moments before he gave his answer. "No."

"No, watch! I'll be nice. I'll light up the fireworks and blow stuff up without killing anyone!" Crazy promised.

"What?!"

Taking one of the flame—tipped pieces of cabinet, Crazy sparked one of the fireworks' fuses. In turn, the others caught the flame. Master Hand went to blow them out frantically, but recalled unfortunately too late that he in fact did not possess a mouth.

"Oh, bugger."

The fireworks all lit up at once, flying across the room and outside of the bathroom, into walls and onto the roof. The Hands could only observe passively, Master with barely concealed contempt, Crazy with unconcealed awe and wonder, as the walls surrounding them fell off and everything melted into ashes faster than could be expected.

Everything except for that goddamned fireplace.

"I will murder you in your sleep." Master informed his brother dryly.

"But then what about my story?" Crazy whined, keeping his priorities in check.

"Forget about your story," Master groaned. "The last time an excellent tragedy drama romance hit around here, not a single person in the section read it."

"Oh, brother, don't get so jealous and bitter. It makes you fourth—wall—breaky."

"I don't get..." Master composed himself, remembering who he was in this conversation. "...no. No crazy stories."

Crazy let out a sigh. "Fine. How about you read me a different story then? You haven't done that in a long while. Come on, I doubt it'll hurt anyone if you do."

"No."

"Why not?" If Crazy could, Master Hand knew he would've put on a pout. "You're such a bore. No wonder none of the Smashers like trying to beat you up in the arena—"

"I go easy on them, and you are well aware of that," Master interrupted defensively. "After all, I've set you up to be their ultimate foe, since you have no regard for limits or sanity."

"Uh, duh. Crazy Hand. Do I sound like I'd know sanity all that well?"

Master Hand sputtered. "That isn't the point. The point is that I would kill to be able to spend one day without having to worry about your latest inane experiment sending us all to our graves."

"Then read me a story."

Master Hand could imagine Crazy pouting, which only aggravated him more. "No!" he argued, beyond any point of civility.

"Aw, Mister Grumpy Knuckles. You know what? A story will cheer you up. I know I left my book in here somewhere... Lemme find it..." He raced around the room, scrambling through each (standing) shelf and cabinet for his book. "Where is it? I can't find it anywhere? Bro, where's my book? I'm pretty sure I left it in the room somewhere. Oh! I know, the Kitchen Cabinet!"

"You mean the same ones you blew up?"

Crazy motioned towards the kindled wood in his fireplace in recognition. "Oh..."

"Remind me why you keep your books in the kitchen cupboards again," Master groaned, "you incompetent, goldfish—memory mess of five fingers and a bloody palm?"

"Be nice! It's almost time for the holidays! So how are ya gonna tell everyone about it?"

"Tell them what?"

"It's not just my book, you know. Doesn't Marth or Link come here to read while they do their—?"

"They can survive without having a book in our now non—existent bathroom. By the way, the gold in your vault? We're using that to pay for the damages."

"Awww, that's not fair!" He started jumping—or rather floating—up and down. "You go take someone else's money!"

"You already did."

"And what about the book? I don't think anyone's going to be happy about that."

"We'll print off a new one. What kind of stories did the book have anyway?"

"Holiday stories, duh." He lifted an index finger. **"Ones that are nice to read by a fireplace, all about Warmth, Happiness, and Being In Good Spirits for the Holidays, which would be a convenient description if this were a contest. But we can make it one, so it's perfect!**Why don't we get the others to help make a new one? It's not like anyone's gonna notice the difference."

Master Hand sighed. "Do you honestly think they're not going to?"

"Yeah! And we gotta make sure to get everything before the Holidays, too! At least by **December 18th **would be good, right?"

If he had a chin, he would've stroked it. "And how long exactly are you expecting everyone's stories to be?"

"Not too big. **One shots that are no more than ten thousand words**would be great since everyone will have enough time to read them while they enjoy their holidays too."

Master thought it over. "But! How can you assume people will just do this on their own free will?"

"Of course they won't!" Crazy explained. "This is the 21st Century, Sir Mycroft Hand! We need to give them a little... incentive."

"Like?"

"Unlimited access to my explosion hangar!"

"...no."

"Fine, Mr. Bossypants! What do YOU want to do?"

Master sighed again. Everything always fell to him. "I suppose we deem a winner, a best entrant to the new book, and I suppose we... I don't know... **could create a story for him to enter in this book."**

Crazy gasped. "Brother, I didn't know you were a writer!"

"Apparently half the section doesn't either."

"Stop being so grumpy about that! I mean, FalSam is so outda-"

Before Crazy could go on, Master had thwacked him with his index finger. "That is quite enough from you."

"Fine, fine, fine! But I say that w**e also give them custom pretty pictures and stuff all for them! And the ones who come in as runner ups,**because I like making pretty things."

Master Hand sighed. "All right. But you know I'm not going to help you, right?"

"What do you mean by that? Of course you will! I'll let you use my money if you do."

"...there really is no arguing with you, is there?"

So Master Hand, against his freewill, started writing a letter in his office, describing to the printing press about how they wanted to make a new book and how their old one exploded in a dynamite incident in their bathroom, not that he was actually going to include that in his letter. Instead, he made the details of the project he was less than enthusiastic about creating.

Eventually, he finished. Leaving the typewriter room, he grumbled, "Why did I have to get dragged into this?"

"So MessengerOfDreams and Tune4Toons don't get hounded by critical watchdog groups who want the contest taken down for lack of story!" Crazy was quick to reply.

Master sighed. His brother was going to be the death of him.

**~MoD/Tune~**

**(MoD here!)**

**A/Ns— thanks for always having our back, Crazy.**

**So welcome to our Fireside Tales Contest! The details were smuggled within the humorous story there, but I'll outline them again.**

**1) It's supposed to be a story of warmth and good cheer. Take this as broadly as you want, just ignore the Tragedy and Angst genres and go light on our sad feels. Make us happy, restore our faith in humanity, give us some holiday cheer! **

**1a) It doesn't have to be about Christmas, New Year, Hanukkah or any of the other festivities. Just make sure it takes place in Winter!**

**2) The deadline will be December 18th, 2012. A week before Christmas! There's some extra time allotted because of NaNoWriMo, which I am actually participating in (and I think Tune is as well!) **

**3) The story must be a oneshot, of anywhere between 100 words and 10,000 words. We'll go lenient if you're a few hundred over, but try not to be. Look over your work and see if you can't streamline it down. It'll probably look better if you do, and fit in the deadlines just fine.**

**4) Mention MoD and Tune's Fireside Tales Contest in the description of the story!**

**And the prizes!**

**1st) A custom-made oneshot by both authors, a custom made avatar, and a story cover for the winning entrant! All the custom prizes will be tailored to fit the winner's requests!**

**2nd) A custom-made oneshot!**

**3rd) A custom-made avatar or story cover!**

**If you need any resources or any questions answered, or just want to chat and brainstorm with other authors, Tune has made a topic in her lovely Fanfiction—based SSB Forum, Rancho de la Smash. Search it up and check it out!**

**Also, this chapter was a live—time dual effort. For the most part, I played Master, she played Crazy. Tons of fun yah!**

**We wish you the best of luck!**

**~MoD and Tune**


	2. Where'd You Get That Wheel?

Inside his brother's office, Crazy Hand had been flipping the pages of a magazine with pictures of fingers, speaking to no one in particular with a very posh-like accent. "_With the storms brewing hard outside the building door, the dashing Crazy Hand saw a package on the floor. He shook the package feeling a book's flimsy pages. It felt heavy too; wrapping might've taken ages! He went to the desk and ripped it open. What he found inside? Exactly what he was hoping._

_"A thick magazine for nail polish, his bro wasn't naturally white. If only Master Hand could get that perfect shade right—_"

"What are you doing?" Master Hand said as he entered through the door behind Crazy.

Crazy Hand would've smiled if he could. "Nuhthing."

"Then stop talking like that; it's disturbing. And is that my catalog? Put that down."

He did a faux gasp. "Why brother, I didn't know you like looking at lady fingers. Always the silk ones, eh? Guess the knitted ones aren't your type—"

"Never mind that. Did the printing press send the book yet?"

Crazy snapped his fingers, making a brown package appear on the desk as if it came from smoke. "Nah, just this smutty catalog."

Master sighed. "That's not a smut catalog."

"Says you. Do you know what we hands can do? We make minds explode."

Not willing to risk anything, Master Hand changed the subject. "You know, the number of stories we got from everyone is astounding. Honestly, I didn't expect there to be so many."

"Me too! See? I knew we were gonna do well! Can I get a high-five?"

"No."

Crazy huffed. What a bore. "Fine, but did you see my order yet? The mailman wasn't nice to me. He screamed and ran away the moment he saw me."

"You idiot. You're a floating hand. Of course he'd run off. So what exactly did you order?"

Crazy snapped his fingers, and in that instant, a boom came from the hallway. The sound of rolling rumbled along the ground as the floor started to shake. Screams and squeaks screeched as the sound got louder. In less than a second, something heavy smashed through the walls of Master's office. Debris flew everywhere. Soon, the dust cloud that formed thinned into the are, revealing a large, rainbow-coloured wheel as if it'd been cut into seven pieces.

"What the heck is that supposed to be?!"

Crazy laughed. "Silly bro, that's a roulette wheel. Since we have so many entries anyway, I thought we could **add a fourth prize**! So remember when the bank exploded the other day and there was all that money?"

"You mean the money you stole?"

"Nooo, some other guy took it, but he screamed like a girl the moment he saw me. The wheel on the safe gave me the idea! What if the **fourth prize can be won in a game of roulette**?"

Master's fingers twitched as he glanced back at the wheel that broke through the wall; it wasn't as if his brother's plans had ever been fool-proof.

_Aww,_ Crazy thought, smiling in the inside. _He likes it! He likes it!_ "So how it will work is that **we pick a ****_Top Seven_** **and then from those seven, we will arrange them in a special order and give them a number from one to seven**. The order could be by their contest ranking numbers, listing the seven stories alphabetical order, or something else like that. But the pattern of how will remain a secret until the results are revealed!"

"And the roulette wheel?"

"Oh yeah, then **there will be a poll where people can place their bets on a number or two that goes up. The story among the ****_Top Seven_**** that also happens to be the lucky, most-voted number—according to the special pattern—wins the special prize!**"

Crazy probably stole this "special prize" from somewhere, Master assumed before asking, "You didn't break anything else for this, did you?"

"What makes you think that?"

Then right on cue, nothing bad happened. Crazy listened as Master started counting seconds aloud waiting for something to explode. But the building remained intact. For now.

"I'm impressed. You didn't do anything else—"

The sound of sirens outside the office window interrupted him. Glancing through the glass, both Master and Crazy saw cop car lights flashing through the snow storm.

"So where did you go today?"

"Somewhere only people with invites can get into."

"And what exactly is this new prize of yours?"

"**An exclusive invite to Archive Of Our Own.**"

Master Hand sighed, glancing back at the flashing red lights. "What am I going to do with you?"

**~MoD/Tune~**

**(Tune here!)**

**Tune4Toons: I'm here this time with a special announcement! With the contest now drawing to an official close, more details were smuggled into the story once again. As you can see, there is now a fourth prize that can be won via a game of roulette! Bet you haven't seen that before. ;)**

**Either on my profile or in the FAQs thread in the SSB forum ****_Rancho de la Smash_****, there is a poll where you can place your bets on a number or two. If your entry gets picked to be among the ****_Top Seven_**** entries, you have a chance to win an invite to Archive Of Our Own! (AO3 is another fanfiction site that people can join ****_only through invite_****. Ooooh, fancy. :D) So pick your number(s) wisely.**

**And of course, no one knows who that ****_Top Seven_**** will be until the results come out. So maybe, just maybe, that winning number could end up being you. How it works:**

**So say you are among the ****_Top Seven_**** and the special order those seven stories are put in are by alphabetical order according to people's Pen Names (and you happen to be number 1 for example). If by the time the results come out and the number with the most votes from the roulette poll is 1, then that means you—being both in the ****_Top Seven_**** -AND- that winning number—won the roulette! (And you wouldn't necessarily need to be among the ****_Top Three_**** to win this since it's from the ****_Top Seven_****, though one of them might if they end up winning anyway.)**

**So go ahead and place your bets, folks! Come one, come all!**

**Feeling lucky today?**

**~MoD and Tune**


	3. The True Fireside Tale, Final Results

Today's a snowy day and the weather is fine. I—Crazy Hand—will attempt to rhyme. The moment has come to break hearts with glow.

I heard too much rhyming can get pretty annoying, you know.

...

So that's why we're gonna stop right there.

But what I have for you today is a story about when you add a new story to many stories. No, I don't mean to confuse you, but there was someone in all of your stories that was forgotten. For shame, you guys. We should be supporting the characters that get left behind! The ones left forgotten in the dark! No worries, we don't mean to point any fingers. Haha, get it? Fingers—

_"Hurry up with the results already!"_

I was getting to that! Geez, some people these days. Just a slight warning, but what you're about to see may be offensive to some viewers. Viewer discretion is advi— Hey wait a minute, this is the wrong script. Hold on for a second…

Ahem.

Welcome to The True Fireside Tale, the real tale behind the Fireside Tales—

_"We get it already—"_

Oh shut the hell up.

* * *

You know how there used to be a bank not too far from here, Smash Bank? Yeah, the one that got robbed and exploded in broad daylight in Smash Street in the middle of Smash Square. It's true some could argue that I was the brilliant mastermind behind the explosion of Smash Bank at Smash Street in Smash Square in the best place in the world to live in:

Bros City.

Let's just say people aren't very original with names around here.

Anyway, there was this one guy who literally fell from the sky when I went back there for the first time since the whole explody incident. I thought he had wings or something, but no, turned out he was a gorilla that got caught at the wrong end of a misfire. It was only Donkey Kong riding barrel cannons again, only he got shot a few metres—actually, make that a few hundred metres—off from where he was supposed to go. He wasn't even from the city, which was easy to see from his monkey body and the monkey arms in all of his monkey glory.

Funny thing is, he screeched the moment he saw me, and yeeesh, could that guy scream. Heard for miles, I bet, so naturally I had to shut him up. I snapped my fingers, and he was gone. That noise disappeared in an instant.

Only thing was, he was gone too. I didn't know where he ended up at the time until I got home about an hour later and saw my brother, who you guys know is Master Hand, looking at the shiny new Fireside Tales book we had to get for our still-non-existent bathroom. Did you know the construction workers here are horrible? I was gonna let them visit my explosion hanger so they could see what else I can blow up! But I guess that would mean they'd have to fix that too...

But I digress. So my bro was floating there, holding the book open to where I saw a little gorilla moving through the first page! It was the weirdest thing! Then he told me to hold the book, and when I did, he snapped his fingers and poofed into the story itself.

And that was where it all began.

Also this story was brought to you by Fanfiction dot Net. Because no one pays us to do this shit.

_"What the bloody hell's up with the advertisement?"_

Well excuse me if we didn't want to waste any space with disclaimers!

* * *

In the book itself, Donkey Kong—or we can call him DK for short—was pretty confused as he aimlessly wandered around the room he found himself in. In front of him was a nice, pink bed fit for a queen and a closet. Now what my brother did freaked the poor thing too. Master ended up landing on the bed and shoving DK into the closet.

You could probably hear that crash throughout the entire building, and no one would've given a fu— wait, what? We're supposed to be keeping this PG? Bitch, please.

_"Oh suck it up—!"_

Nobody asked you!

But this one's for all you ladies out there. When DK came out of the closet, he was wearing a pink ball gown, but it was a bit snug on his curves. He looked rather fine in pink though, and if you saw him, you'd think the same.

Of course, DK tried to get the dress off. However, it wouldn't budge. Snug as tight as leggings, he was forced to keep it on. He didn't know where he was though and didn't dare turn around to see Master Hand. So he waltzed out into the hallway, and what does he find?

Ooh lala, a whole line of dancing ladies. Maybe he could hide among their line? So he strutted towards them and made sure to show off his new outfit. But hey, what was this? They all turned around to look at him, and not once did he expected to see this.

Four girls and five cross-dressed boys.

At least he wasn't the only one.

Soon he noticed words scrawling themselves across the wall. Where were these words coming from? As he was reading, more words appeared along the surface with _The Twelve Days of What? _by _Mystical Authoress_ and _double rainbow_ and...

He gasped. What could this mean?

Twelve days of what— more like leaving him with twelve days of confusion! But of course my brother had to ruin the show. He swooped right in and snapped his fingers. The scene soon changed to something a little less hallway and a little more chamber. Less stuffy, more air, giving DK some time to think about where the bloody hell he was. It was peaceful, in a way.

Except for that horrible noise!

It turned out they popped up in the middle of multiple choirs. People kept singing songs that went on for hours and hours. Despite how well they could sing, do you know what it's like listening to at least three completely different songs all at the same time? DK knew, and he suffered a massive head-pounding from it. So he pulled out his bongos from his... We're supposed to be keeping it PG, right? So let's just say Brawl needs to work on their dynamics since it shouldn't be possible pull bongos out of our b...

Moving on, DK started pounding on them and shook the ground the way he would in the arena. The floor rumbled beneath the singers, filling the air with screams. Ahh, imagine watching everything happen on a paper page like I did. All those screams, music to my ears.

Well if I had any ears, sure, but I digress.

The moment DK was able to open his eyes again, he watched as people scrambled around clutching their ears. And above them, more words scribbled themselves into the air.

_Songs of Winter_ by _mystery8icarus_. Where were these people coming from? What did they want with him?

Poor guy, didn't know they didn't want him there to begin with, not to point any fingers though. Haha, get it? Fingers—

_"Seriously?!"_

Yeah seriously!

DK soon found Master Hand in the corner watching the panic and cries of people saying they lost their hearing. Not sure if anyone knows this, but my bro enjoys stuff like this even more than I do. Talk about accusing the lefties for bad stuff. Seeing as how he was enjoying this scene so much, he snapped his fingers and transported them to another place, probably to see if DK could entertain him some more, the sick little fu— Right, PG. I got this, don't worry.

When the blinding light from Master's snapping subsided, bursts of cool air hit DK as if he was falling, except he actually was since Master transported them in the air. DK tumbled down into a pile of snow with a poof, leaving a small snow cloud at his wake. There was no denying that it was cold, even through his fur as he sat back up.

But a snowball to his face didn't make it any better. Pretty soon, the entire field was raining with snowballs! Turned out it was coming from Lucas at one end and couple more of the kids at the other. DK looked around for any forts, but none were around.

There were none, that was, until he noticed a certain Master Hand chuckling where he floated.

DK ran towards the hand and grabbed him. Master tried to shake away, but I'm sure you guys know how strong DK can be. He raced through the field with past the kids, ducking and shielding himself with Master Hand from more snowballs.

As much fun as he was having, he soon had a better idea.

He stepped back and put on Master like a glove. How Master felt, no hand wants to know. DK scooped up a large pile of snow before hurtling it into the air. Whew, you should've seen that pile go! The entire thing rained down and pelted each and every one of them suckers! Boom, one kid. Bam, another kid down. One even hit where floating words appeared: _We're Here_ by _Link's Little Brother_.

Of course with strength like his, he ended up throwing the snow chunk farther than he expected to. In the distance, the snowball hurtled towards two men—two blue-haired men, actually. You know, Marth and Ike? It's so weird, but apparently weird hair colours are a common anime thing.

Anime, brought to you by Asia, where almost everything in the world is made.

_"I hate anime—"_

Nobody asked you!

But go on, ladies. Go ahead and drool. But in short, they were fine. Blue hair means they were supposed to be calm and cool, right? The giant snowball hurtling towards their faces would only make them cooler. But of course the moment it hit, they were both knocked off their feet. Even knocked off the floating words with _Psychic Prince_ and _Warmth_ behind them.

DK ran over to them not knowing what to do. Marth and Ike stood up just fine, but DK could see their shivers, red faces, and glares the moment they saw him. Best not to anger them any further, he figured. So he threw more snowballs at their faces before running away.

He'd seen Master do it before, so he tried snapping his fingers with Master as the glove. Who would've thought it'd work?

But of course, it didn't, so I decided to help him out. With a bit of finger magic, I managed to poof Master out of DK's hand and hopped into the pages myself. The most heroic thing you'll ever see in your lifetime. I swooped in there and grabbed the big monkey as we watched the world around us swished like a hurricane of sparkles.

It's moments like that when you realise people should stay away from Mario's mushrooms.

But we didn't land in anywhere magical. Nah, we landed in the middle of a supermarket! What were the odds? And the floating words that were there from the story? You could easily confuse them for the store's aisle signs. There was even this one sign I noticed: _Winter Sweets_ by _Green Swordsgirl_.

And look who we had here in front of us: it was Link, Ike, and Toon Link speed-walking after an old lady, oh dear. In the lady's cart, she had her kid and a bag of marshmallows; if you were there, you could see all three of the guys' eyes trained on that bag the way they would a Smash Ball in the arena. Of course I kept watching!

With a momentary sneer that could scare children, Link ripped a bag of marshmallows out of her cart as he and his crew shoved DK aside—well, Link did a double take when they saw DK wearing a pink dress, but right at the moment, he got shoved aside by a different group. You could hear both of those teams yelling "GO GO GO GO!" throughout the entire superstore. Unlike Link's group however, the second motley crew had their own problems to worry about.

But who were they? Why, it was Wolf O'Donnell with Fox McCloud rushing towards the back of the store—not sure what happened to the other two that were with them a second ago, though the angry screams of the ladies by the makeup section may know something about that. I should've told someone to remind to buy white nail polish for my brother. He's not naturally that white, but people pay more to see the white guys, shhhhhhh. But I digress.

Instead of Wolf's team having to go against an old lady, it was them versus the store.

Everyone could see the flashy, cardboard shelf with "Twinkies" written on it along with the last box of Twinkies to ever exist sitting out in the open. As both Wolf and Fox raced to grab it, the rest of the crowd stampeded behind them. Moments like that tend to make someone realise that there was no need to pay for reality TV if you could enjoy this "Amazing Race" everyday. Soon enough, Wolf was the first to obtain the Twinkies, and he made a mad dash out of there with the rest of his team, dropping a couple along the way.

DK picked up one of the Twinkies and opened it up before eating it—and spitting it back out again. He couldn't believe it! It was made of plastic! He flipped the now-spit-covered Twinkie to find a message imprinted on its surface:

Made in China.

And just below it that label: now made with a dash of paprika!_ Lady Paprika's How Wolf O'Donnell of Star Wolf Saved Christmas_. Made me wonder what Wolf would need all that plastic for.

_"Are you done yet?"_

No. It's a story. We only got past the first section.

_"Then hurry with the results already!"_

I'm getting there!

_"And here I thought hands were handy at getting things done quickly."_

We have a middle finger for a reason, you got that?! You get over here right now, you bloody bastard—

* * *

**_PSSSSSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHHH _**

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Due to a couple of technical difficulties, I—Master Hand—will be taking over instead. Unlike some people, I'd rather get on with the results and not scar kids through terrible influences. So without further ado, at number seven, we have _The Green Man_ by _Archduke Langus_. We felt that while the story was arguably too dark for the contest, with heavy thematics of war, murder and vengeance, and the end was perhaps a tad implausible and there were grammar problems throughout, this was a powerful tale of redemption, forgiveness and understanding under a gorgeous backdrop of unforgiving winter.

Next on the climb, we have_ Way of the Sheikah_'s _How The Snake Stole Christmas_ claiming that number sixth spot. The sole reason this didn't place higher was because of its competition barely besting it, as was the state of the amazing work we've had submitted to us. Regardless, this is a humorous, wry spoof of the Seussian classic with moments of brilliant, if not graphic, humor. It's worth a read just as much as the rest are, and it's perfectly easy to enjoy- if, of course, you can stomach whimsical mentions of arson, murder and jaywalking.

Now at number—

* * *

**_PSSSSSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHHH _**

* * *

Ignore that little interruption folks, but my brother here should know when it's his turn to either wait or go to the kitchen and make me A FUCKING SANDWICH!

_"But he's not a fe—"_

Nobody asked you!

Since neither me nor DK had a fucking sandwich, DK felt his stomach rumble as he stared at the plastic Twinkie in his hand. Before he knew it, a large mob shoved him aside to chase after Wolf and his crew. The moment that happened, DK was stuck choking on the Twinkie, and that meant he had to go to the hospital.

The first thing the nurses asked him there was why he was wearing a dress. He answered by winking and wolf-whistling at them, resulting in a slap to the face. Ouch. So DK decided to hop out of his hospital bed only to see more words scrawled across the wall.

_What The Eyes Cannot See_ by _Starship Artisan_. His immediate response was to stare at the sign even longer. However, voices in the hallway caught his attention, and he slid the door open to see. Out at the other end of the hall, Marth and Samus had been talking with each other, though DK was only paying attention to Samus—who'd been dressed nicely in blue, big bust and all. He let out a wolf whistle before hiding back into his room.

Samus jumped up the moment she heard it before slapping Marth in the face.

And Samus was brought to you by Fanservice. For men.

I didn't know what else would've been fun to watch in a hospital, so I popped us out of there. DK found himself up in the sky, floating like a graceful eagle—or a gorilla in a pink dress, take your pick—before he realised he shouldn't be up in the sky in the first place.

So no less than a second later, he started falling down towards the earth below before crashing into a bed of snow. It was fine; the snow broke his fall. Trust me, if you had my powers, you would've done this too. He managed to pop right back onto his feet though, only to see someone in the distance staring at him. DK might as well have had a little bit of fun, right?

He picked up his dress and dashed towards the hopefully handsome man the way you would see a scene between two lovers running towards each other in a field of daisies—ahem, sorry bout that. Read too many romance stories lately.

But with the snow blowing in his face, he couldn't see where he was going. So DK accidentally stampeded through the man and knocked him over.

Turned out it was Link, now collapsed on the snow, with a few battle scars on his chest visible.

And Link was brought to you by Fanservice. For women.

DK turned to me, going on about how this was all my fault and how he still couldn't seem to find away out of here—at least, I think he did when he started screeching at me. But I was so bored! I couldn't help myself! I didn't want to listen to him anymore as I watched some words write themselves in the snow. _The Green Man_ by _Archduke Langus_.

_"Where are the rest of the results?"_

I'm getting to them, geez!

_"Well hurry it up then! You're slower than my grandma!"_

Why don't YOU try doing this? At least we're trying to tell a story!

Back to the tale, DK spotted another figure in the distance, one in a winter coat walking into a cave. He raced over there towards the cavern and watched as the figure crawled through a hole in the cave wall. DK tried to squeeze into the hole, but his rear wouldn't fit, not with his dress on.

From my end, I was stuck staring at his end. Please tell me you know what happens next. I couldn't resist, so I curled myself up and punched him in. He shot through the hole, and the next thing I knew, I heard a scream— "Fucking perv, get out! Get out!" —and a splash from inside. DK's screeches echoed in the cavern, but you wouldn't have been able to hear it from all the laughing I did. Couldn't resist, I say! I think the words of the story agreed with me at the time because they chose that moment to scribble themselves on the wall above the hole, saying _Winter Heat_ by _Warrior of The Healing Flame_.

But the air in the cave was just as cold as outside, so I decided to poof us both out of there and into my favourite warm place in all of Smash Street:

Smash Mansion.

With an obviously original name brought to you by Fanon, not canon.

But do you know how bad the construction workers are in Bros City? Take the Smash Mansion for example. It's never consistent. I may be Crazy, but I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one who's noticed this. One minute, you could be in an endless hallway of bedrooms that somehow manage to fit more than forty bedrooms for more than forty people—is that even possible? Then the next thing you know, the kitchen could end up only a few feet away with the ballroom next door, which was where I dropped off DK so that I could go to the kitchen and make myself a fucking sandwich.

Apparently while I was gone, DK had been walking towards a cheery R.O.B., who'd been decorating a tree by the fireplace. If DK had still wanted to get out of the book, I wouldn't be surprised if he decided to waltz into the kitchen with the tree as a club. Instead, he approached R.O.B. only for the robot to point up at the ceiling. He looked up.

Besides having _TheWordMasterOfFiction_'s _The Meaning of Christmas_ spelled on the ceiling, a branch of mistletoe hung there. Then he stared back at R.O.B.

El muchacho no es bueno.

So DK ran out of there as fast as he could, leaving R.O.B. tilting his head in confusion. Even from the kitchen, I could hear DK's screeches as he raced down the hallway. He ran pretty fast considering he managed to stampede through Lucario. Poor blue guy—Have you noticed that there are a lot of blue people here? So racist.

But DK stopped in his tracks when he noticed Lucario's new sweater, putting on the same stare Lucario had as he stared at DK's pink dress.

"Nice sweater."

"Nice dress."

"Touché."

Funny thing is, neither of them said that aloud—it's an animal thing—but you could still imagine them saying something a bit like that, I bet.

Much to DK's surprise, he noticed a phrase scribble itself onto Lucario's sweater: _GoldFountain's Healing Heart_. In that instant, Lucario smacked DK's face, mumbling quit staring at his chest before huffing away.

Walking as far away from Lucario as he could, he quickly found himself by the entrance to Smash Mansion—since of course the construction workers here thought it'd be a fantastic idea to build that door next to where all the bedrooms are. Or was it next to the kitchen? Ask the construction workers, no one ever remembers.

Either way, DK watched Samus and Ike waltz in through the door. However, DK still remembered how she was speaking with Marth in the hospital before. And now she was flirting with Ike? And weren't Ike and Marth together earlier? Am I the only one who notices these things?!

_"Those were from different stories, you idiot!"_

Well sorry, not all of us are fucking geniuses!

So the two came through the door hand in hand with the snow blowing in from behind them. Words flew in through the door too, flying towards DK, each letter almost skinning his fur. Then they splatted themselves along the wall, spelling out _Warmth of the Soul_ by _ShiverInTheLight_.

But just remember that all those words were brought to you by—

* * *

**_PSSSSSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHHH _**

* * *

Since no one enjoys listening to advertisements all day, Crazy, how about I take over and actually continue announcing the contest results. Claiming the fifth spot, we have _Healing Heart_ by _GoldFountain_. While there was a lack of subtext with its straightforward approach and there could have been just a tad bit more background on the characters, this was nonetheless a warming tale with a lovely characterization of Princess Peach and Lucario, and the story succeeded in bring a feeling of happiness without becoming saccharine or cliche.

Continuing forward just before we get to the medal places, we award fourth place _Melting Heart_ by _Sigzix_. This was a story we were at odds about. There were negatives, such as awkwardness in the dialogue, many instances where he could have done more show-less-tell and choppy transitions from dialogue to action. On the flipside, the positives were shining, with one of the most powerful interpretations of Meta Knight we've seen in ficdom (this coming from someone who won a contest for writing about Meta Knight) as well as of Kirby, and the story itself was extremely heartwarming and quite moving as well, with the relationship between the two leads being incredibly rendered.

Finally, it is the moment everyone has been waiting for. Our top three! It took the judges from the printing press a while to come together and decide on these three placers, let alone the rest of the top seven, so without further ado, here are our top three.

* * *

**_PSSSSSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHHH _**

* * *

Or not. Have you no meaning of the word patience? Geez, you impatient little bastards.

_"That's not very ni—"_

Nobody asked you!

Where was I? Oh right, DK traveled back the way he came and found me in the kitchen before walking to the fridge to grab a banana. Now I don't know about you, but for some reason it felt like he had forgotten that we were still inside the storybook considering he was chilling by the fridge and watching me stare at my sandwich. But of course, I was occupied with staring at my sandwich; I hadn't eaten it yet. I realised that I couldn't. Sucks being a hand sometimes.

But at least I wasn't short. Two short stacks waltzed into the kitchen, one pink and one blue—see? Another blue one! I think that was the fourth one so far and this wasn't even counting Captain Falcon, Falco, or Sonic. Talk about discrimination. But anyway, pink and blue. I would've said they were the Ice Climbers, but both had on masks and were less than a foot tall each. I knew Meta Knight had a mask, but I never knew he had a clone, a pink one no less. It was pretty funny watching the two of them standing behind DK since that gorilla had about eight feet over them. Next thing you know, DK shut the fridge and stomped right through them. Poor guys, DK probably couldn't see them before he knocked them aside. However, if you knew Meta Knight like a lot of us do, an action like that never sat well with him.

You could almost see the veins bursting out of Meta Knight's head as he stomped behind DK, pulling out his sword. The pink clone jumped up at the sight, grabbing Meta Knight's sword and trying to tug him in place. Meta Knight soon struggled out of his grip. The pink clone soon took off his mask—turned out it was Kirby all along.

Meta Knight leapt up to for the attack only to fall the moment Kirby pulled down his legs. It was kinda funny watching Meta Knight crawling along the floor, shouting profanities at DK while trying to scramble free from Kirby's grip. Kirby in the meantime kept shouting "Poyo poyo poyo!" Who knows what that little guy says sometimes, but have you noticed how the two of them look like little balls with stubby arms? Don't blame me. They were the ones rolling along the floor.

Pink and blue balls were brought to you by Nintendo. Blue balls: even Lucario can make some.

_"That's disgusting!"_

I wasn't even talking about that, smartass!

Words started forming where Meta Knight and Kirby were making tracks along the floor, spelling out _Melting Heart_ by _Sigzix_.

As for DK, he snuck back into the ballroom, first glancing around before seeing that R.O.B. wasn't there. So he stomped in, banana in hand while occasionally scratching his butt under his dress. How was he going to get this dress off? After going through all that, he still couldn't even manage a slight squeeze out of it. Peach must've had a really thin figure.

Speaking of Peach, she had walked into the ballroom with a sparkling crown necklace around her neck. I love shiny things. Do you love shiny things? I know DK loves shiny things, so of course he'd turn around the moment he noticed something sparkle from behind him. If you thought Peach's eyes were big already, they widen twice as much as she yelled, "That's my dress!"

You could practically see the fire coming out of her, and not from the fireplace either. She pulled out a frying pan as she gritted her teeth, slowly walking towards DK. If you look closely at the back of the pan, you could see _It's Beginning to Look a lot like Christmas_ by _RainstormDreams_ embedded on it—because if said with a dot in the middle, the name would've been eaten. Peach started swinging the pan, knocking over a table.

So naturally, DK hiked up his skirt and ran. Peach raced after him, both zooming by in pink blurs. However, DK found his way to the living room, spotting a large pile of wrapped presents. Without thinking, he hopped in, leaving Peach unsure of whether to hop in after him or leave him be. She shrugged and said, "I'll get you next time," before walking away.

As for the sea of presents, which was brought to you by Imagination, DK's head popped out of the pile only to see Toon Link—or was it Tune Link? No one ever clarified that with me—stacking his presents up to the ceiling. But DK soon spotted a small little Pichu scampering towards him.

Aww, ain't he a cute little guy?

"Pichu!"

Who the fuck said you could talk?!

"Pichu!"

…Okay, that was mean. I'm sorry, but hey, at least Pichu's here with me! Now before we continue this little story, there was a little predicament with this entry—_The Stupendous Jimbo'_s_ A Tune For Toon Link_—wouldn't you say? Besides a few little bumps along the road, there was this continuity of confusion with that Tune/Toon Link nonsense…

"Pichu?"

And the calling Pichu Jewish nonsense…

"Pichu!"

So this calls for a DISQUALIFICATION, BITCH!

"PICHU!"

See, even Pichu agrees with me!

…

…

But it's the holidays, so we'll be nice.

Anyways back to the story, Pichu dragged DK out of the present pile and brought him back to me, Crazy Hand. Man, the little guy's pretty strong for his size, though it's too bad he didn't make it to Brawl. DK took the liberty to knock him aside and go up to me begging to be taken out of the book—at least, that's what I thought he did.

He gave me large puppy-dog eyes and a pout to make you Aww—though the dress he wore wasn't helping his cause. So I said sure and snapped him out of the mansion.

But of course, there was still one stop to go.

I popped him out of Bros City and into Smashville—see what I mean? Smash names for Smashies. I'd consider this place though as a sort of alternate universe to where we were before. From where we stood, a Pikachu walked in front of us with a horn stitched to his head.

Aww, isn't he cute? Such a cute little Pikachu—

"Hey! Quit calling me cute!"

Huh?

"I am so sick and tired of everyone calling me cute! 'Oh hey, it's Pikachu! It's fucking Pikachu! Ain't he adora—' No, I ain't fucking adorable!"

Since when did you have one of those deep-sexy commercial voices—?

"It's an alternate universe— why do you think I'm talking? It's sponsored by Fanfiction dot Net! Now leave me alone!"

…Okay then…

So ignoring the touchy Pikachu, we collected the last of our titles. Words scribbled themselves around a burnt bag we found a few feet away from us in the snow. _Way of the Sheikah'_s _How The Snake Stole Christmas!_

So DK and I were finally at the end of our adventure. I bidded him ado as I snapped my fingers, teleporting us out of the book and to the police station where I framed him for robbing and bombing Smash Bank.

The End!

_"That was the worst story I've ever—"_

NOBODY ASKED YOU!

* * *

**_PSSSSSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHHH _**

* * *

That's enough, Crazy. It's my turn.

Now it's time for the moment you all have been waiting for. Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to present to you our top three. Among the sixteen entries that entered—and it was a tough pick, I have to say—these three stood out, going far and beyond.

For the bronze at third, we have _The Stupendous Jimbo_ with his _A Tune For Toon Link_. While we were confused about just why Toon Link was universally despised despite insanely spoiling everyone in the mansion, the story excelled with a unique storytelling voice, the wonderful interpretation of socially awkward but extremely kindhearted Toon Link (which rang true and powerfully with a certain judge who struggled with social disorders of his own), the wonderful supporting role Master Hand played, and the struggle that Ness faced trying to get everyone to change their ways—after all, life isn't easy and happy endings aren't guaranteed—they have to be earned, and Jimbo's implementation of that helped his story succeed.

So I hear number two can be a curse that can follow. Take one of the judge's words for it. Going home with a silver placing is _How Wolf O'Donnell of Star Wolf Saved Christmas_ by _Lady Paprika_. While it was slow to start and some of the jokes fell flat, this story succeeded in being one of the best crack!fics we've ever read, because it uses something other crack!fics rarely bother to use—subtlety. Even with all the insanity of Wolf and a crew of rather crazy people fighting a mob and evil Santa Claus for the last box of Twinkies with their inside guy being high on weed and a certain avian whose mortal weakness is his own attractive reflection, Pap brings it down to Earth with panache and nuance and, yes, plenty of subtlety. The story is quite hilarious, and even takes on a sudden heartwarming turn, and the main anti-hero stole the show, just as he intended, with his wicked first-person narration.

Now who knows whether or not you all expected this, but entry went beyond what the judges were expecting and will be sent off with the title of the Winner of The Fireside Tales contest. Congratulations _Starship Artisan_ for her story _What The Eyes Cannot See_. This beautiful romance story left both of us moved, handling the subject matter with an unflinching nuance, giving both mains a brilliant AU interpretation that was at once in character and unique, and the romantic subject was handled realistically and averted cliché perfectly. The story is wonderfully full of subtext—there is so much meaning behind the characters that it enhanced the story as a whole—giving us a tale that is indeed more than meets the eye.

Thank you all for entering. While there were entrants that were less successful than others, the fact that we gathered sixteen different entrants is something we find to be unforgettable.

Now, damn it all, where is Crazy? We have a book to reconstruct...

...although given his track record with stories and making sure things aren't horribly destroyed, I may want to go this one alone.

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**_PSSSSSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHHH _**

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**[Now resuming scheduled programming...]**

* * *

Nobody ever said it was over yet! Allow me to bring out our roulette. These past few weeks, a certain little Miss asked for bets on numbers and for some reason, there was a total of twenty votes, but sixteen entries. Am I sensing double-bets? Either way, the poll is now closed and the winner will be revealed shortly!

So with our current placings, we have in this order:

1) Starship Artisan  
2) Lady Paprika  
3) The Stupendous Jimbo  
4) Sigzix  
5) GoldFountain  
6) Way of the Sheikah  
7) Archduke Langus

Now for the roulette, we'll be rearranging the top seven according to the special pattern we mentioned to you last time. That special pattern will be according to…drumroll please…uploading times from earliest to latest! With that, this is the new order they are in:

1) Lady Paprika  
2) Starship Artisan  
3) Archduke Langus  
4) GoldFountain  
5) Way of the Sheikah  
6) Sigzix  
7) The Stupendous Jimbo

Not expecting that, were you? Taking a quick glance at the roulette—which you can now check out the results for at the Fireside FAQs thread—the winning number with ten votes is 7! So in #7, congratulations to the ever-so-lucky _The Stupendous Jimbo_! And to all you bet placers, can't believe you guys decided to vote for supporting procrastination. For shame.

How about a big round of applause for our judges, _MessengerOfDreams_ and _Tune4Toons_, for hosting? Congratulations to our placers and prize home-takers. And thank you to everyone for participating! We wouldn't have had a great show without you guys, so keep up the writings and enjoy this brand new 2013 year!

* * *

**MoD Notes:  
**

**My lord, what an experience this was.  
**

**First off, we need to have a long talk about patience and how it's actually quite a feat that we read sixteen entrants that were about fifty thousand total words in just over two weeks. Rancho, you've been warned. Mwahaha.  
**

**Also, this was seriously incredible.  
**

**Congratulations to all seven of the stories who placed. All of you did an incredible job with excellent stories that won't be forgotten. I hope all of your fellow authors of the Smash Brothers Section and beyond take a look at the often ignored talent that has appeared here and give them the attention they deserve.**

**And again, the fact that we got sixteen entrants? MINDBLOWING. I'm in awe that we managed to do that, and I thank you all again for entering. I had a blast reading this, even if it was frustrating at times. It's an experience I'm glad to have done, and I'm glad to have done it with my constant partner in crime, Tune4Toons.  
**

**Have a lovely January!  
**

**~MoD/Tune~**

**Tune4Toons: Speaking of patience, it is NOT easy having to write 6K's worth of intros up there (especially considering I had to do three drafts and knowing how dry my sense of humour can sometimes haha, but enough about that :P) Did you like the story? :3 Tell us!**

**It was just tons of fun being able to team up with [Mr. HEYYOUTHEREYET?!] _MessengerOfDreams_. From contest rival to partners, it could not have gone any better. XD**

**Also if any of the content in this results chapter insulted you in any way...then I shall point to the hidden disclaimer in there. :D**

**Looks like the contest also managed to bring in lots of love to _Rancho de la Smash_ too and I bet this is the first contest ever in SSB to even have an FAQs Forum Thread for the contest. It was a lot of fun reading all the entries. (Guess who among the two of us finished reading them first? :P) Keep on trekking and writing, and may this new 2013 year do you wonders!**

**Cheers!**


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